Here is the story of E, and our adventure in the German Krankenhaus ...
Last night around 5:30 I started to have mild contractions ... I brushed them off as Braxton Hicks for awhile because I was convinced we were going to have to induce later in the week. Well, they kept up consistently for an hour, so I told Vic I was pretty sure I was in early labor - but not to worry ... we had plenty of time. We ate dinner, and watched American Idol ... still no big deal - the contractions were eight minutes apart, and Google said not to go to the hospital until five. Yes, I trust Google for everything.
Vic asked me what I wanted to eat for breakfast in the morning. Clearly he was in denial, so I calmly told him that I would not be home for breakfast, as I was going to have a baby. He still didn't seem to believe me, and decided to run to the store for eggs. Whatever. While he was at it, I told him to pick me up a pint of ice cream.
While he was gone, I called my doctor and said we would be in within the next few hours. I enjoyed my ice cream, and jumped in the shower. Still feeling good, I got out of the shower, and laid down for a quick nap with Vic. While I was laying there, I was thinking to myself that this could be a false alarm, and how silly I would feel going into the hospital. It wasn't five minutes later that my water broke, and I was thrown into a world of panic, and an insane amount of pain ... the dogs hadn't been walked, my hair was still wet, my bag wasn't fully packed - I was really regretting my relaxed attitude from hours before. We managed to leave the house 20 minutes later, and by the time we got to the hospital my contractions were minutes apart! Side note - German cobblestone roads and contractions do not mix well ...
I was always under the impression that arriving at the hospital would play out like the movies. Someone would be waiting for me with a wheelchair, and we would speed off to the delivery room. Wrong. Vic dropped me off, so I wouldn't have to walk from the parking garage ... and when I got to the door of the hospital - it was locked. I hit the intercom button, and a man answered, in German. I didn't even let him finish, I just screamed, "I'M HAVING A BABY ... NOW!" Now that I made it clear I was in labor, I expected several people to rush to my aid. Wrong again. The security guy didn't even look up from his computer screen, so I waddled across the empty lobby to wait for Vic. It took us about 10 minutes to walk down the hall to the labor ward - as I had to stop every minute for contractions, and to curse Vic for doing this to me ...
Now, when I took a tour of the hospital I was told there would ALWAYS be someone on staff who speaks English. We were greeted in the labor ward by the nicest little old German midwife (named Gertrude) who didn't speak a word of English ... of course. When I requested someone who spoke English, Gertrude looked confused and roughly told me that she was the only one there. Perfect. I immediately informed her that my water broke, and she just smiled and led to to a room where I was put on monitors for 30 minutes. Next, I was seen by a young man who did an ultrasound and decided that I was in labor ... duh. Captain Obvious quickly turned into my best friend when he asked if I would like to get started on the epidural process. Yes, please.
.... some events occurred during the time when I left the exam room, to the time that I was moved in the delivery room, that I am going to skip over. Not only am I going to skip over them during this blog, but also for the rest of my life. I have sworn Vic to never bring them up again, and he has no qualms with that. All I will say is that Germans do labor preparation very differently than in the states ... very horribly differently ...
I moved into the delivery room where I got some pain medicine to hold me over until the epidural could be administered. While we were waiting the woman in the room next to us was screaming like each of her limbs were being removed with a handsaw ... this went on for a couple hours, and definitely not what you wanted to hear as you are about to give birth for the first time.
While listening to our neighbor scream bloody-murder, the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. She explained the risks and side effects of the whole thing, and I quickly consented - even though I could barely understand what she was telling me. Let's be honest, at this point she could have to me there was a possibility I could sprout a unicorn horn - and I probably would have agreed. I was a little scared about the needle, and the look on Vic's face while she was getting prepped did nothing to ease my pain. At one point he held up his hands to show me how exactly big the needle was ... I could have done without that. It was all over before I knew it, and I could finally relax. She pointed to a button by my bed, and told me I could decide how much medicine I needed ... bad idea. I pushed the button twice ... and then once more for good measure.
Gertrude came back in to do a quick examine. She looked at us both excitedly and held up nine fingers. I took that to mean I was nine centimeters dilated. She said a lot of stuff that I didn't understand, and then pointed to the Epidural button. I decided that meant I should push it one more time. Clearly that was the wrong decision, and she yelled at me in German when she saw what I did. Oops ... but I felt amazing!!!
Now it was time to push ... I'll cut out the details here, but it was a lot of German instructions that I didn't understand, but I was under the impression that I was doing everything right. Vic was attempting to Google Translate things, while I was attempting to use context clues. The doctor showed up when I was fully dilated. He had me push a couple of times, and didn't seem pleased with the progress. He told Gertrude to bring in Kristine.
Kristine was a rather robust woman, and came into the room cracking her knuckles and neck. I knew right away that Kristine was not going to be kind. The doctor had this woman position herself on top of my stomach. Whenever I would be instructed to push, she would throw all of her weight right under my rib cage. The epidural did nothing to dull the pain of the large German woman bouncing on my uterus. This went on for several minutes, until the doctor excitedly told us that in one more push, Eli would be out! Wahoo! He even joined Kristine in pushing on my belly ... we all pushed together, and I said the 'F-word' several times ... annnnnnd ... nothing. He seemed concerned, and called the women over for some kind of pow-wow. Vic and I tried to listen, but we couldn't understand what they were saying anyway. The doctor pulled out a machine, and told us that they needed to use the vacuum to get Eli out quick. He instructed me to take this seriously (like I wasn't taking the prior two hours seriously) because he could only use the vacuum once. I'm not quite sure what would've happened if the vacuum would not have worked, and I'm not sure I want to know ... but seconds later, Elliott (and his very mis-shapen head) were here!!!
This was taken the night before I went in labor ... I gained 60 lbs. with Eli - someone please remind me not to do that with the next one ( ... and don't get excited - there are no plans for 'the next one' in the near future) ...
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